is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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