you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
