Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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