Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
