I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
