there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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