oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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