drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
