Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
