maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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