Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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