Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
