You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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