When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
im holly from the hills drunk
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
