I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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