When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
