I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
