Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
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he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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