we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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