Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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