Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
