i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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