Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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