1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
