I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize