the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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