I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
