I just threw up on my dentist
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
4 words: hood of his car
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
