it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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