I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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