it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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