We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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