she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
