I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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