youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
