I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
