I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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