he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
