I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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