That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
