I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
