guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
