so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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