Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
