Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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