Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.