I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Acid is not a monday night drug
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
