Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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