the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You are the jesus of drinking
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
