I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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