I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
