apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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