did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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