he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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