$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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