she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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