my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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