just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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