Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
