So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
