If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize