Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
